Gunslingers

Gunslingers

[olivea!spool.mu.edu!umn.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!arizona.edu!evax2.engr.ar]

The following is submitted in honor of a certain well-known movie, which is
being broadcast on TV tonight (13 Dec) in the US:

\f
Hill Valley, California. December 13, 1892.

"Well, son, I talked it over with your Ma and we think it's time you had your
own gun," says Joe Statler, Hill Valley's resident horse trader.

"Oh boy! That's great, Pa!" says the kid.

"The general store only stocks Winchester Ada and Colt C," says Joe. "I know
you've had your heart set on the Colt."

"You bet, Pa! It's light and it's quick on the draw. It's cheap, too. And
Chester Aharonian down at the telegraph office says there's more C than Ada
gunslingers. That means more spare parts."

"Ah. The socioeconomic argument." Joe knew from experience it was unwise to
stand too close to the telegraph office and say anything good about the Ada.
Otherwise you're liable to get a pair of sour cheers from Chester, along with a
weighty lecture on the poor job Winchester was doing marketing the gun.

"The trouble is the C ain't got a safety."

"Aw, c'mon Pa! You don't need a safety. That's what Peg-Leg McCall always
says."

"How come I ain't surprised?" replies Joe, recalling how McCall got his
nickname. He had acquired the habit of quoting a famous gunslinger at Muroc
about safeties. "Anyhow, I heard good things about the Ada from Jess Feldman."

"Who?"

"You probably don't remember him," says Joe. "He was the schoolmaster in '85,
before Clara Clayton got here. And don't forget Fort Zemeckis. They've had
pretty good luck with the gun ever since the cavalry standardized on it in '83.
General Vanderwerken is fond of pointing out that if the North had had Adas in
the Civil War, the war would have been over in two years."

"Yeah. And the South would have won, says Festus Holden."

"Don't get me started on Festus," says Joe, annoyed. "I'll tell you what. I'll
make a deal with you. I'll let you decide, but you gotta promise you'll talk
this over with Mr. Phipps first, hear?"

"Mr. Phipps? The undertaker?" says the kid uneasily.

"Here's the money. Now git."

The next day Joe is walking through the town square when he happens to notice
that the clock over the Hill County Courthouse shows the wrong time. Nearby,
Joe's son comes walking out of the general store, holding a new Winchester Ada.
"So, what made up your mind?" asks Joe. "Phipps told you the difference between
the C and Ada is Ada gunslingers die of old age, right?"

"Well, no. That didn't decide it. He says by the time he plants 'em, the C
gunslingers have half their toes blown off..."

"Save the clock tower!" cries Mrs. Jones, jangling a tin cup under Joe's nose.
"Can you spare a dime to save the clock tower? Last week Chester was yelling at
soldiers again for failing to hawk Adas in their spare time. One finally lost
his temper and throwed Chester into the clockworks. Broke the clock. Lucky
nobody got hurt. Never found out who the soldier was, though."

This was not to be the last time the clock needed rescuing. But that's another
story.

-- Frank Manning                                   -- Std disclaimer
-- College of Engineering and Mines                --
-- Civil Engineering 100, University of Arizona    --
-- Tucson, AZ  85721  frank@evax2.engr.arizona.edu --

Re: Gunslingers

[Gregory Aharonian]

Ha!! I love it.  Unfortunately I was watching the same movie, and say a
different story.

First, the general store didn't stock the Winchester Ada.  You had to go
to the taxpayer funded PX at the local fort to find any of the Winchesters.
It seems no one was selling the Winchesters outside of the PXes.

Second, Chester spits in the bucket about the Winchester only when it
involves tax dollars.  After all, Chester put his own money into selling
Winchester parts when the gun first came into town, only to loose his
horse and buggy.

Third, the cavalry standardized on the Winchester just in time for
General Custer to use it at his last battle with the free market Indians.
Custer probably had STARS in his eyes going into battle, and RAPIDly lost.

Fourth, I noticed you conveniently left out Mr. Phipps first name, i.e.,
Mosemann Phipps.  He'll say anything to increase his business. And his
toe counting statistics are probably as inaccurate and unmeaningful as the
Mosemann statistics are.

Fifth, you also forget to mention that the only way Joe could afford to
give his son enough money to buy an expensive Winchester is that Joe is
a government contractor, an issue that Jess Feldman also talks about.

Finally, after the soldier threw Chester into the clock, it cost more tax
dollars to pay for fixing the clock.  Of course no one found out who the
soldier was, they never stick around long enough to take responsibility
for the cost of fixing clocks.  Last I heard, the soldier (I think he was
a sergeant named York) got a job at the Supplies, Arms, Indians and Cowboys
stores that always seem to set up shops outside the forts.

Great flame none the less.

Greg Aharonian
Source Translation & Optimization

-- 
**************************************************************************
Greg Aharonian
Source Translation & Optimiztion
P.O. Box 404, Belmont, MA 02178

Re: Gunslingers

[agate!spool.mu.edu!sdd.hp.com!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!csc.ti.com!tilde.csc.ti.com!mksol!mccall]

In <1992Dec13.143600.4111@arizona.edu> frank@evax2.engr.arizona.edu (Frank Mann
ing) writes:

>The following is submitted in honor of a certain well-known movie, which is
>being broadcast on TV tonight (13 Dec) in the US:

 [Flame deleted]

All very nice, and it sure makes a convincing case for Ada, wouldn't
you say?  Of course, if you're interested in facts or reason, you'll
have to look elsewhere, but as for Frank Manning, he doesn't need any
of those things.  He has a Mandate.

>-- Frank Manning                                   -- Std disclaimer
>-- College of Engineering and Mines                --
>-- Civil Engineering 100, University of Arizona    --
>-- Tucson, AZ  85721  frank@evax2.engr.arizona.edu --
-- 
"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live
 in the real world."   -- Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred.McCall@dseg.ti.com - I don't speak for others and they don't speak for me.

Re: Gunslingers

[Frank Manning]

In article <1992Dec14.173555.19737@mksol.dseg.ti.com> mccall@mksol.dseg.ti.com
(fred j mccall 575-3539) writes:

>Of course, if you're interested in facts or reason, you'll have to look
>elsewhere, but as for Frank Manning, he doesn't need any of those things. 
>He has a Mandate.

For the record, I don't have a Mandate. I receive no funding from DOD.
Not only that, but Ada tends to be frowned upon around here.

-- Frank Manning                                   -- Std disclaimer
-- College of Engineering and Mines                --
-- Civil Engineering 100, University of Arizona    --
-- Tucson, AZ  85721  frank@evax2.engr.arizona.edu --

Re: Gunslingers

[agate!spool.mu.edu!uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!usc!news.service.uci.edu!cerrito]

In article <SRCTRAN.92Dec13230757@world.std.com> srctran@world.std.com
(Gregory Aharonian) writes:

>Finally, after the soldier threw Chester into the clock, it cost more tax
>dollars to pay for fixing the clock. Of course no one found out who the
>soldier was, they never stick around long enough to take responsibility for
>the cost of fixing clocks. Last I heard, the soldier (I think he was a
>sergeant named York) got a job at the Supplies, Arms, Indians and Cowboys
>stores that always seem to set up shops outside the forts.

Well, the historical records are not entirely clear on this subject. A few
historians maintain Sgt York was in fact Sgt York Manning, a chronic
malcontent who had recently been transferred to Fort Zemeckis from Fort
Lowell, Arizona Territory.

There was evidence that before he could be arrested on the charge of
assaulting a civilian, Manning went berserk and threw himself off the
Eastwood Ravine Bridge to avoid listening to any more religious wars about
firearm safety.

-- Frank Manning                                   -- Std disclaimer
-- College of Engineering and Mines                --
-- Civil Engineering 100, University of Arizona    --
-- Tucson, AZ  85721  frank@evax2.engr.arizona.edu --