Re: "It's not a Diet... It's a Lifestyle Change!"

Re: "It's not a Diet... It's a Lifestyle Change!"

[Blair P. Houghton]

Scott Dorsey<kludge@netcom.com> wrote:
>This is the real benefit of the Nancy Kerrigan
>Laxative Pounding Diet.  By keeping the food in your body for a shorter
>amount of time, you don't have as much of an opportunity to gain weight
>from it, and because it doesn't stay in your body long, you can eat more.
>You can east as much as you like.

And the constant doubling over with peristalsis counts as
aerobic exercise!

				--Blair
				  "Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
				   <*BLAM*>
				   Feel better now, smartass?"

Re: "It's not a Diet... It's a Lifestyle Change!"

[Scott Dorsey]

In article <788gau$t75$1@hirame.wwa.com> Bloody Viking <nospam@tekka.wwa.com> writes:
>
>Basically, I used my fuel-efficient body for cost cutting. It's unhealthy
>as fuck, but I am a fussy eater anyways. Why it's unhealthy, of course, is
>that I'm not eating my fruits and veggies. I'm more of a carnivore.
>Trouble is, most people are too much of a carnivore to follow the
>dietitian's regimen anyways. Even better, you feel full longer than you do
>after eating veggies which make you run to the toilet anyways. 

This is absolute foolishness, because you don't get the benefit of your
food.  If you're eating less food, you need to eat better food to get
the same dietary benefit.  This is the real benefit of the Nancy Kerrigan
Laxative Pounding Diet.  By keeping the food in your body for a shorter
amount of time, you don't have as much of an opportunity to gain weight
from it, and because it doesn't stay in your body long, you can eat more.
You can east as much as you like.

>The exercise bit. There is one thing you can do to seamlessly "waste"
>calories. Instead of trying to save steps at work, do stuff to waste
>steps.

That's the other benefit!  In addition to allowing you to absorb fewer
calories from your food, the Nancy Kerrigan Laxative Pounding Diet actually
causes you to exercise more, without your having to lift a finger.  Remember
smooth muscle exercise is important too.

Just send $9.95 to:

Amalgamated Laxatives
#9 Back Way
Outflow, Georgia

for your first kit, including this handy diet management book, full
information, and your first week's supply of phenolpthalein.  Take the
laxative way to a newer, slimmer you, with the Nancy Kerrigan Laxative
Pounding Diet.

-- 
"C'est un Nagra.  C'est suisse, et tres, tres precis."

Re: "It's not a Diet... It's a Lifestyle Change!"

[Bloody Viking]

In talk.bizarre Scott Dorsey <kludge@netcom.com> wrote:

: This is absolute foolishness, because you don't get the benefit of your
: food.  If you're eating less food, you need to eat better food to get
: the same dietary benefit.  This is the real benefit of the Nancy Kerrigan
: Laxative Pounding Diet.  By keeping the food in your body for a shorter
: amount of time, you don't have as much of an opportunity to gain weight
: from it, and because it doesn't stay in your body long, you can eat more.
: You can east as much as you like.

Well, I could take vitamins to compensate for vitamin shortages. Since I'm
a fussy eater and always was, it would be easier to pop a vitamin than to
try to modify my eating habits to eat rabbit food. Remember, diets don't
work when you have to alter your lifestyle too far or too rapidly. That
was my whole thesis. The admittedly unhealthy eating pattern evolved from
my original lifestyle, and fits in. One feature of my lifestyle is I can't
cook; I'm too disorganised. I don't use laxatives, unless you call booze a
laxative. (weekends only) The hangover creates a laxative effect! Again,
an unhealthy lifestyle choice, but drinking in bars is the only way I know
of to be social. 

So, the pounding of laxatives a la Nancy Kerrigan and eating rabbit food
will NOT work for me. That's the trick to this whole lame business. You
have to find an eating pattern you can live with on a day to day basis. 

: That's the other benefit!  In addition to allowing you to absorb fewer
: calories from your food, the Nancy Kerrigan Laxative Pounding Diet actually
: causes you to exercise more, without your having to lift a finger.  Remember
: smooth muscle exercise is important too.

But what's wrong with the Dilbert Exercise Programme?

: Just send $9.95 to:

No thanks. There's enough crackpot diet plans out there at a bookstore.
Think of my thing as a parody of all the crackpot diet plans. That gives
me an idea. You realise that I accidentally invented yet another crackpot
diet plan. Maybe I should write a book! That way, I could get rich off all
those people searching for that ever-elusive diet plan that works. To save
credibility, I could avoid talking about my eating habits and concentrate
on the exercise part of it. Exercise is one of those things that people
can't stick to as well as a diet. Since I found a way to get exercise on
the job (and score brownie points with a boss) it would be easier to slip
it in. 

Think about it. How many people like playing team sports? Only the people
who as kids were the gym teacher's pets. The gym teacher went out of his
way to ruin everyone else to physical activity. The Dilbert Programme
solves that problem. No time wasted on a treadmill. No embarassment in a
health club shower room. No embarassment about not hitting the hoop. No
bullshit. And no sweatiness! :)

As far as "idling" calorie consumption, I'm an insomniac who has anxiety
problems, most notably social anxieties. I'll pass on the laxative-induced
runs to the toilet. And I do NOT reccomend my eating patterns!

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Re: "It's not a Diet... It's a Lifestyle Change!"

[Xenome Menos]

"What'll you have, Mr. Peterson?"

"Bloody Viking."

"Would you like the cucumber bruised?"

"Slightly."

XM