Gunslingers

[olivea!spool.mu.edu!umn.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!arizona.edu!evax2.engr.ar izona.edu!FRANK@ames.arc.nasa.gov (Frank Manning)]

The following is submitted in honor of a certain well-known movie, which is
being broadcast on TV tonight (13 Dec) in the US:

\f
Hill Valley, California. December 13, 1892.

"Well, son, I talked it over with your Ma and we think it's time you had your
own gun," says Joe Statler, Hill Valley's resident horse trader.

"Oh boy! That's great, Pa!" says the kid.

"The general store only stocks Winchester Ada and Colt C," says Joe. "I know
you've had your heart set on the Colt."

"You bet, Pa! It's light and it's quick on the draw. It's cheap, too. And
Chester Aharonian down at the telegraph office says there's more C than Ada
gunslingers. That means more spare parts."

"Ah. The socioeconomic argument." Joe knew from experience it was unwise to
stand too close to the telegraph office and say anything good about the Ada.
Otherwise you're liable to get a pair of sour cheers from Chester, along with a
weighty lecture on the poor job Winchester was doing marketing the gun.

"The trouble is the C ain't got a safety."

"Aw, c'mon Pa! You don't need a safety. That's what Peg-Leg McCall always
says."

"How come I ain't surprised?" replies Joe, recalling how McCall got his
nickname. He had acquired the habit of quoting a famous gunslinger at Muroc
about safeties. "Anyhow, I heard good things about the Ada from Jess Feldman."

"Who?"

"You probably don't remember him," says Joe. "He was the schoolmaster in '85,
before Clara Clayton got here. And don't forget Fort Zemeckis. They've had
pretty good luck with the gun ever since the cavalry standardized on it in '83.
General Vanderwerken is fond of pointing out that if the North had had Adas in
the Civil War, the war would have been over in two years."

"Yeah. And the South would have won, says Festus Holden."

"Don't get me started on Festus," says Joe, annoyed. "I'll tell you what. I'll
make a deal with you. I'll let you decide, but you gotta promise you'll talk
this over with Mr. Phipps first, hear?"

"Mr. Phipps? The undertaker?" says the kid uneasily.

"Here's the money. Now git."

The next day Joe is walking through the town square when he happens to notice
that the clock over the Hill County Courthouse shows the wrong time. Nearby,
Joe's son comes walking out of the general store, holding a new Winchester Ada.
"So, what made up your mind?" asks Joe. "Phipps told you the difference between
the C and Ada is Ada gunslingers die of old age, right?"

"Well, no. That didn't decide it. He says by the time he plants 'em, the C
gunslingers have half their toes blown off..."

"Save the clock tower!" cries Mrs. Jones, jangling a tin cup under Joe's nose.
"Can you spare a dime to save the clock tower? Last week Chester was yelling at
soldiers again for failing to hawk Adas in their spare time. One finally lost
his temper and throwed Chester into the clockworks. Broke the clock. Lucky
nobody got hurt. Never found out who the soldier was, though."

This was not to be the last time the clock needed rescuing. But that's another
story.

-- Frank Manning                                   -- Std disclaimer
-- College of Engineering and Mines                --
-- Civil Engineering 100, University of Arizona    --
-- Tucson, AZ  85721  frank@evax2.engr.arizona.edu --