From mboxrd@z Thu Jan 1 00:00:00 1970 X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.4.4 (2020-01-24) on polar.synack.me X-Spam-Level: *** X-Spam-Status: No, score=3.2 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_00,RATWARE_MS_HASH, RATWARE_OUTLOOK_NONAME autolearn=no autolearn_force=no version=3.4.4 X-Google-Language: ENGLISH,ASCII-7-bit X-Google-Thread: 10c949,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gid10c949,public X-Google-Thread: 109fba,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gid109fba,public X-Google-Thread: f6290,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gidf6290,public X-Google-Thread: 1014db,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gid1014db,public X-Google-Thread: 10d15b,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gid10d15b,public X-Google-Thread: 114917,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gid114917,public X-Google-Thread: fdb77,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gidfdb77,public X-Google-Thread: 103376,38eaf2ac280788bb X-Google-Attributes: gid103376,public From: "Bob Jarvis" Subject: Re: 'Money wanted' algorithm (Cobol version) Date: 1996/12/31 Message-ID: <01bbf724$2fa0c7d0$c318b993@jarvisb> X-Deja-AN: 206944409 references: <5a8h44$elt@news.inetdirect.net> <32c8f428.76407842@news.dwx.com> organization: The Timken Company newsgroups: comp.lang.ada,comp.lang.asm.x86,comp.lang.basic.misc,comp.lang.c,comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.clipper,comp.lang.cobol,comp.lang.java.advocacy,comp.lang.java.api,comp.lang.java.misc,comp.lang.java.programmer,comp.lang.javascript,comp.lang.pascal.borland,comp.la Date: 1996-12-31T00:00:00+00:00 List-Id: Renegade wrote in article <32c8f428.76407842@news.dwx.com>... > congee@mindspring.com (Deric Cheng) wrote: > > (pseudocode and Pascal deleted for brevity) > >Hey that's cool can you do it in Cobol? > > Sure: The code in this program does not conform to Corporate Standards and must be rewritten prior to being stored permanently in the Corporate Library. Please consult the appropriate documentation (ref. CorpStan 01-R97301 "Standards For Corporate Software and Other Anal-Retentive Stuff"), revise your program, and resubmit. In particular the following areas requiring revision have been noted: > IDENTIFICATION DIVISION. > PROGRAM-ID MAKE-MONEY. > AUTHOR MY- ASS. > DATE-WRITTEN TODAY. The identification division lacks the appropriate copyright notice, liability limitations, equal opportunity employment disclaimer, and vaguely threatening legal language. Inclusion of these clauses is required (ref. CorpStan 09-R4763 "Standards For The Inclusion Of Useless Comments and Boilerplate") unless authorization for their non-inclusion has been previously granted by the Software Standards Exceptions Committee (ref. CorpStan A3-R1072 "Procedures For Requesting Exceptions To Corporate Standards", CorpStan A16-R982 "Standard Exception Request Procedures", and CorpStan A87-R1071 "Procedural Standards For Corporate Exceptions"). The Software Standards Exceptions Committee meets on the sixth Thursday of each month to review all outstanding exception requests. Please plan on attending their next meeting. Bring your own kneepads and bandages. > ENVIRONMENT DIVISION. > HOPEFULLY WARM. As noted in Executive Memorandum #930831-102 the corporate heating and cooling system schedule has been revised. In years past the cooling system was run during the summer, and the heating system was run during the winter. Thanks to diligent work on the part of some of our Junior Cost Accountants it was determined that it is much more efficient to run the heating system during the summer, and the cooling system during the winter. During the past several years our company has realized substantial savings from this schedule change. In a related issue, the annual closing of the restrooms in the Corporate Office Building is scheduled for September 30th so the water can be drained from the pipes. As in past years portable chemical toilets will be installed on the front lawn for the convenience of all employees. Please note that the toilets with the gold stars on the doors are for the use of executives ONLY! Thank you. > DATA DIVISION. > > ~~~~ YADA, YADA, YADA > 01 HELL-IND PIC X VALUE SPACES. > 88 HELL-FROZEN VALUE 'Y'. > 01 TIME-IND PIC X VALUE SPACES. > 88 SUN-DOWN VALUE 'Y'. The use of 88-levels has been disallowed (ref. CorpStan P23-99061 "Obfuscatory Coding Methods" and CorpTechNote P37-0978 "Recommended Clarification Reduction Techniques"). Remember - analysts only have ten fingers and ten toes, so the use of any nesting level greater than twenty is not allowed. > PROCEDURE DIVISION. > > MAIN. > PERFORM DAILY-ROUNTINE UNTIL HELL-FROZEN. > STOP-RUN. The MAIN procedure in this program lacks the following necessary elements (ref. CorpStan E7-83610 "Stuff You've Got To Put In Because We Say So"): 1. Notification to the operator that the program has begun execution. 2. Notification to the operator that the program has terminated. 3. Notification to the operator that the program has notified the operator. 4. Lots of bell ringing on the console to wake the operator up and/or distract him/her/it from whatever else it is they're doing. 5. Setting a proper return code. The following standard return codes have been defined to provide the operations staff with appropriate information about program status (ref. CorpStan P74-9876 "Standard Return Codes and Other Anal-Retentive Crap"): 0 Program completed successfully, or forgot to set any other return code. 4 Something went wrong. We think it's minor. Probably. 8 An error has occurred. Wait until 2:00 A.M., then call the programmer listed on the call sheet. The call sheet, of course, is out of date - the programmer listed hasn't seen this code in years, doesn't know who's currently responsible for it, and may in fact no longer work for the company. No matter. Keep calling him/her/it once every five minutes. 12 A serious error has occurred. Ignore it. It's probably not all that important. Anyways, if it *is* important someone on the day shift will take care of it. 16 That glowing lump of slag in front of you *used* to be a computer. Take your lunch break. > DAILY-ROUTINE. > PERFORM FIND-EMPTY-COFFEE-CUP. > PERFORM FIND-SPOT WITH TEST AFTER UNTIL LOCATION = "GOOD". > PERFORM SIT UNTIL SUN-DOWN. > IF HELL-TEMP < 32 > MOVE "Y" TO HELL-IND. The paragraph named DAILY-ROUTINE does not conform to corporate standards (ref. CorpStan K9-83902 "Proper Naming Of Paragraphs In Corporate Software"). The name of a paragraph must include the following elements, separated by dashes: 1. The eight-digit program number (e.g. P1234567). 2. The six-digit analysis tool ID for the superblock containing the functionality implemented by this paragraph (e.g. 42K7AB). 3. The flowchart name and block number for this paragraph (e.g. MAKEMONEY72). 4. The unique 16-digit Paragraph Identification Number assigned by the Paragraph Serialization Committee. See CorpStan K6-8362 "Procedures for Requesting Paragraph Identification Numbers". Submit all forms in triplicate. Give three examples. Show your work. 5. A descriptive name for the paragraph, which must not be more than 6 characters long. Thus, an appropriate and correct paragraph name might be P1234567-42K7AB-MAKEMONEY72-9384750532894761-DLYRTN Please make similar corrections on all affected non-standard paragraph names in this program. > FIND-EMPTY-COFFEE-CUP. > FIND COFFEE-CUP. > IF COFFEE-CUP NOT = "EMPTY" > PERFORM EMPTY-CUP. > > EMPTY-CUP. > IF CUP-CONTENTS-APPEAR = "GOOD" > DRINK CUP-CONTENTS > ELSE > POUR CUP-CONTENTS. > > FIND-SPOT. > MOVE "GOOD" TO LOCATION. > FIND SPOT. > IF COP-PRESENT = "YES" > MOVE "BAD" TO LOCATION. > IF STREET-BUSY = "NO" > MOVE "BAD" TO LOCATION. > IF BULLETS-FLYING = "YES" > MOVE "BAD" TO LOCATION. > > SIT. > IF BUTT-ACHES > MOVE ASS TO OTHER-SIDE. > SIT STILL. > LOOK PITIFUL. > BEG. > PLEAD. > IF DARK="YES" > MOVE "Y" TO TIME-IND. > > Please note: This program was half the size, and worked twice as > well until administration got ahold of it and requested rewrites. Now > it is bigger, and nobody knows for sure what it does...... Your continued complaints about administration are being duly noted and recorded. Please enunciate clearly and speak into the microphone. There is no need to panic (ref. CorpStan 01-666 "Panic - Requirements For"). Remember - the word "standard" is morally and intellectually equivalent to "religious rite". :-) -- Bob Jarvis Mail addresses hacked to foil automailers! Send replies to jarvisb@timken.com